A Beautiful Mind

I visited with some old friends this weekend. Before that I thought my romantic life was going pretty well. Afterwards I saw all the holes.

I am totally smitten with International Man of Mystery Edward, but my friends aren't and they spoke seriously with me about the life course of his mental illness, and noting that he's already had experiences suggesting further difficulty. My friends who are 10-20 years older than I am were particularly helpful in finding perspective. They didn't say I shouldn't date him, but it is a sobering reminder that it is not a question of this year or 5 years from now. 10 years from now, 20 years from now, all kinds of things can happen. That's why they made that movie about John Nash. At least Edward doesn't have schizophrenia, but he does have psychotic tendencies. Psychotic in the sense of slightly out of touch with reality clinical sense, that is.

I am realizing how emotionally blunted Jack, the foreign-born old-fashioned guy with the sports car, is. He has put his entire self into his work. And obviously succeeded. But it is hard for me to tell whether he has any intimate friendships. He clearly needs the intimacy. He likes playing with my cat, and he visibly relaxes when I touch him. All we've done is kiss and it's yet to be really fun. In the old country they kiss differently, apparently. He will tell engaging stories, many of them extremely vivid, the most vivid about life in the old country. Which is funny because he came here when he was 12. The ones about life here seem a little more disconnected, alienated, maybe a little bitter. He was in school grades 7 to 12 with a friend of mine, and she said he was often disappointed not to do better in school than he did and wasn't all that confident growing up, and maybe he is now overcompensating with the sports car. But she thinks he is a good person. Which is a good thing because he's my own real prospect at the moment.

Joseph, the professional persuader, is out of the picture. I think by mutual consensus. He was away last week. I went away a couple days after he returned. He invited me to join him for dinner at an old friend's house with her parents as well (?), and I apologized that I already had plans that night but would like to see him another time, but haven't heard anything.

This Sunday I was in another city before giving a talk on Monday and I went on an anti-date with a guy who contacted me on a dating site like 5 years ago and then sporadically since then. I wanted to meet him and get it over with so I could say I tried and not see him again. Or maybe I would like him. I didn't. But I got it over with. It wasn't really a date. We met outside a cafe and then I suggested we go for a walk. And after 85 minutes I said I had to meet a friend. He's called me a couple times since, so I sent him an email thanking him for the walk and saying how glad I am to be back here and seeing my friends including this guy I've been on several dates with.

I don't know if I can count on anything happening with Jack, so I think I have to restock the ponds. There's this early/mid-40's divorced humanities PhD who has a real job but publishes a little in his area still whom I'll meet this weekend. And then there is the perpetual dilettante I've not yet met and a friend of a friend I went on one date with but who blew me off possibly for decent reasons. And there were some people I flaked out on when I was sick --- not so sick that I had to stay home all the time, but sick enough that I would stay in for long periods.