Dating update: steady as it goes

I've noticed that I'm a lot calmer since I started dating someone. It's been 2 months with Jack and is going okay. Sometimes I'm incredibly happy and grateful and content, and other times I feel like I must be making a huge mistake. The most recent was when he was telling me about how his relative got cancer when he was our age and died in 3 years and never stopped being upset about it. "He should have gotten over it. It's really not productive to still be unhappy. No wonder he lost all his friends." Oh there are so many things wrong with that (e.g., it's normal for a sick person to lose many of their friends over time no matter what their attitude is because their friends get scared), and I told him all of them. On the other hand not being as sensitive has been good for him in ways that I do learn from.

For instance once I totally flaked out on him. He called me from about 60-90 minutes away and asked if he could come over. I spaced out about the time and waited too long to do an errand that absolutely had to be done for the next day, and it turned out I was out when he came but didn't have my cell phone with me, so he just went home, and he had to drive over an hour out of his way for no reason, and yet it turned out fine. He was annoyed that night (though oddly didn't sound it), I apologized again the next day and made a joke and he laughed about it, and then he forgot about it. It's a healthy emotional attitude that I could learn from. And have.

He's not big on pet names or compliments, so I am trying to encourage him in those --- I used not to be big on those things either. On the other hand he brings me flowers all the time.

And he wants to be very slow physically, so I feel like we are in the 1950's. At the same time I got accepted to a conference this summer in a fun place and he asked if he could come. So he sees a longer future apparently.

And I can feel really happy with him and content and cared for and really attracted to him, but I don't feel rushes of joy and love and passion and connection. It's just really nice. I also don't find him extremely funny in the way that I'm used to finding my dates. He makes jokes, they're just not all that funny. Not in bad taste. Just not a connection.

So basically I have come to a decision point: emotional has its advantages and less sensitive has its advantages. Less sensitive helps me feel more calm and balanced and less neurotic and more confident, but less excitement and connection. More sensitive helps me feel understood but doesn't necessarily help me moderate my own moods and gives me someone else's moods to help moderate. I'm not sure what I think. But the advantage of slow is that I don't have to have any decisions, and I can see how things progress and if things can moderate a little bit.


Orthogonally, there's still Edward. We had our first date about 2 months ago and never had the second date. I think he was scared that I would turn him down. And I am probably going to.

In a rare intersection of professional and personal, I had an informational interview with someone in a government job. She got her PhD around when my parents were graduating from college which is obviously rare, and started out going with her husband to get faculty positions, though her husband had a much better position than she did. They moved again and then she said her husband became mentally ill and she had to take over, and the government job was perfect for her becoming a single mom. She didn't give many details, but it's the same as Edward has. I mentioned in my thank you email that the interview was also helpful for me personally because I had been feeling guilty for breaking up with someone for that, and her email reply emphasized "Run, don't walk!" from romantic involvement with a person with this mental illness.

So there you go. That's one sensitive person in my life who isn't going to become a date.

There is another "sensitive" guy in my life, George. George is a friend of a friend who lives a long plane ride away. I first met him years ago when he was dating someone. At the time we had fantastic chemistry and I remember getting into a deep conversation walking in a group as his girlfriend was elsewhere in the group, and feeling a little guilty about that at the time. Ever since then we effortlessly have long conversations and I feel like we can understand and agree with each other in a lot of ways. Even the places where I disagree with him, I find his perspective emotionally compelling. Since then we've become friends though a little cautiously because he knows he has a tendency to get caught up and whirled away into emotional highs, and I do too though less so. George is also disabled (not at all heritable, though), and I wonder if that's related as well: people who feel less sure of themselves have harder time with uncertainty, and it's easier to fall into relationships quickly before really investigating. So even though there's something there, the geography and the social complications make me feel like I don't have anything to investigate. "Risking our friendship" is a canard, but more importantly I don't want to hurt our mutual friend because I think she would feel left out if we started dating since she is perennially single and each of us is very close with her. He used to live nearby and sometimes he talks about missing the area. And even last year he was talking about moving here at the same time that I was, and I was really hoping. He was here recently and I went up to his hotel room with him, and he clearly seemed conflicted between trying to get me into bed and not risking anything. And I felt a similar conflict, except dating Jack has given me more appreciation with being gradual and moderate so I didn't feel as big of a need to get him into bed.

Another sensitive guy, Rob is still around and yet not. He and I met up yet again in this small city midway between where we live, and it's starting to feel like our affair get-away. He wants to hold hand or me to hold his arm and hug, but he says his girlfriend would not want him to do any of this. With Rob I laugh and feel close and love and feel loved, and it's all really nice. And yet there is that cultural disconnect. And now he is dating someone. (And my gosh, it's such the typical relationship between a WASP guy and a foreign-born woman more than a decade younger! Yes, of course I'm jealous.)