I sent my pre-written acceptance note.
My academic influences --- my father, a couple of my friends --- kept reminding me that I should think about which position would yield the best job afterwards. And the place with the nebulous research still hadn't written back, so I have no idea what I could have done there. I'm sure it would have worked out, somehow, but I have no idea whether the research I would have produced would have been sufficient quality to go to the next step. I had to send something before Monday or that would have been too much delay. So I really had only one choice unless I was willing to scrap everything and wait for new answers from other jobs.
(For all I know since it's been 5 days since I last communicated with them --- they were sending me relevant background research I should read --- they gave the job away since I was sitting on it so long. Part of me hopes that they did. Though I know that they didn't.)
The advantage of going somewhere where I don't have any friends is that I can totally reinvent myself.
Green mohawk, here I come!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
My decision: maybe not?
Since I wrote my acceptance letter, a few things have happened. The most fundamental one being that I haven't sent it yet. I wrote the letter with the intention of sending it, obviously, but while I was writing the blog post I remembered one last lead at the nebulous-research place; I did, in fact, send off a note to them saying simply (because it was my third note, the previous sent April 20 and 29, and they'd promised an answer initially the week before and then the day before), "Any news? I'm sorry to be pushy, but I have been sitting on another offer for a long time, and I should give them an answer relatively soon." I sent it towards the end of the working day, and unsurprisingly didn't get an answer.
I did start to look at apartments in my presumptive new city, and did marvel that more than half of the ads mention whether or not Section 8 housing vouchers are accepted; some of the Section 8-accepting apartment buildings come fairly close to the gentrified areas. Interestingly, housing is not much cheaper than here or my previous city; you just get more. For instance, a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom over 3 floors with a hot tub costs per person the same as my current and past 2 bedroom. That makes sense: the landlords know what university-affiliated folk are willing to pay, and that's a national market, so they give them something that they are willing to pay that much for. A hot tub seems extravagant, but surely it can generate enough extra rental income to pay for itself in a year. One apartment complex stress that you do not have to ever go outside if you live there: the garage is directly attached. The subtext that I can't help but read is, "Never see another poor minority again!"
I pictured myself getting a beautiful one bedroom, working in a cramped office filled with partitions and women who talk about shoes for hours at a time (this happened), and coming home every day and just crying. Or, alternatively, being completely alone in one cubicles among many in a distant part of campus, and having no advisors anywhere nearby, nor answering email, which is how they've been so far. Then I called a friend who lives 2 hours away from the new city, and cheered up at realizing that I could piece together a social life over the phone and in person. And I looked at the facebook groups for incoming PhD students to the school, and realize they are all in the same situation as I am coming to this awful city for an education, only I have a PhD already.
Then this morning, I got a note from the government job with subject line "Compatibility." They liked me, and are interested in moving ahead, only they had budget problems this year and can't fly me out, so want to know if I like them. An hour after they sent the note, they got an enthusiastic reply. So we'll see.
Maybe my advisor was right that as prestigious as the other postdoc is, and as exciting as the academic opportunities are, I just don't care that much about them.
My feelings about the prospect of this prestigious postdocs is that the excitement of lots of new opportunities wears off, and they become the status quo, with the same set of unproductive work habits.
Every semester of classes in college and grad school brought the rush of excitement, except first semester freshman year. This semester was going to be different than the previous ones. I was excited by my classes. I was going to learn a lot. I was going to go to every class, start the homework early, and go to office hours to ask for help. I was going to come on time, sit near the front, and ask questions. Sometimes I did stick to my resolution, and these were my best classes, even though they weren't the easiest. Other times, I felt completely defeated. In a new city with no friends, difficult-to-contact advisors, and so much to get used to, I'm afraid it would be more the latter. Getting used to a new place and establishing new habits is a task in itself. The times I've been most productive are after I've already been somewhere for awhile.
I've gotten so used to my rehearsed interview answer about my research and professional goals during my postdoc that I've forgotten my real goal: get some work habits. Going to a new university where I've never been and where the presumption is that I'm productive is a plus: change your location, change your luck, as they say. Though if I feel like people think I'm far more productive than I really am --- as some seem to assume --- that could backfire because it would feel like an impossible task, especially because some of my research center colleagues are in fields where the average work habits are far far above mine. But this school might feel just as alienating as my old one. And with no compensating social life, I would feel even more alienated. On the other hand, having no friends could force me to make more work friends than I normally would, and maybe be encouraged to learn better work habits.
I've read a few chapters of this cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) book that I read several years ago, and have noticed myself arguing with my assumptions, realizing that it's not a black and white question. The new job is unlikely to be perfect, and I won't fully meet any of my goals, but I'll meet some of them partially, and get exposed to new topics. Feeling defeated would not be the end of the world, and even the terms which I count as failures were helpful to me. Giving up on my research for weeks or months at a time and concentrating on teaching was considered in the eyes of my advisor and graduate program to be a waste of time (which they told me), but it made me a devoted teacher, and my teaching statement and skills are now good enough that I came in second for a tenure-track job at an elite small college, losing only to someone from a less-well-located small college who already had tenure. That's something none of my classmates could have done. I could have balanced my work better, but maybe it was important to concentrate on teaching when I was just learning how. During my last year of grad school, I couldn't teach, but I threw myself into job application preparation, with no thought to my research, except what I needed for job talks, but job preparation requires a lot of time and I had to learn a lot; I could have balanced my research better, but I did do some. So even the difficult years did have redeeming qualities. and it's not like I've ever been not lonely, no matter where I lived. Other than in college where I ate every lunch and dinner with friends.
The upshot is: I don't know. Sending the letter last thing on Friday is the same as last thing on Sunday night, so I'll mull it over a bit before then. Part of me says that it's not a big deal to move somewhere for a year. My parents live here, so I can only take the essentials, and mail some books media rate, as if I were just going off to college. The other part of me is thinking how stressful it is to not only try to start a whole new set of research with new colleagues, but then socially to need to be "on" in order to make new friends at work and away. Though if I make friends at work, hopefully that will encourage my work habits.
This job is not a bad thing. Really. I'll just keep reading that CBT book.
I did start to look at apartments in my presumptive new city, and did marvel that more than half of the ads mention whether or not Section 8 housing vouchers are accepted; some of the Section 8-accepting apartment buildings come fairly close to the gentrified areas. Interestingly, housing is not much cheaper than here or my previous city; you just get more. For instance, a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom over 3 floors with a hot tub costs per person the same as my current and past 2 bedroom. That makes sense: the landlords know what university-affiliated folk are willing to pay, and that's a national market, so they give them something that they are willing to pay that much for. A hot tub seems extravagant, but surely it can generate enough extra rental income to pay for itself in a year. One apartment complex stress that you do not have to ever go outside if you live there: the garage is directly attached. The subtext that I can't help but read is, "Never see another poor minority again!"
I pictured myself getting a beautiful one bedroom, working in a cramped office filled with partitions and women who talk about shoes for hours at a time (this happened), and coming home every day and just crying. Or, alternatively, being completely alone in one cubicles among many in a distant part of campus, and having no advisors anywhere nearby, nor answering email, which is how they've been so far. Then I called a friend who lives 2 hours away from the new city, and cheered up at realizing that I could piece together a social life over the phone and in person. And I looked at the facebook groups for incoming PhD students to the school, and realize they are all in the same situation as I am coming to this awful city for an education, only I have a PhD already.
Then this morning, I got a note from the government job with subject line "Compatibility." They liked me, and are interested in moving ahead, only they had budget problems this year and can't fly me out, so want to know if I like them. An hour after they sent the note, they got an enthusiastic reply. So we'll see.
Maybe my advisor was right that as prestigious as the other postdoc is, and as exciting as the academic opportunities are, I just don't care that much about them.
My feelings about the prospect of this prestigious postdocs is that the excitement of lots of new opportunities wears off, and they become the status quo, with the same set of unproductive work habits.
Every semester of classes in college and grad school brought the rush of excitement, except first semester freshman year. This semester was going to be different than the previous ones. I was excited by my classes. I was going to learn a lot. I was going to go to every class, start the homework early, and go to office hours to ask for help. I was going to come on time, sit near the front, and ask questions. Sometimes I did stick to my resolution, and these were my best classes, even though they weren't the easiest. Other times, I felt completely defeated. In a new city with no friends, difficult-to-contact advisors, and so much to get used to, I'm afraid it would be more the latter. Getting used to a new place and establishing new habits is a task in itself. The times I've been most productive are after I've already been somewhere for awhile.
I've gotten so used to my rehearsed interview answer about my research and professional goals during my postdoc that I've forgotten my real goal: get some work habits. Going to a new university where I've never been and where the presumption is that I'm productive is a plus: change your location, change your luck, as they say. Though if I feel like people think I'm far more productive than I really am --- as some seem to assume --- that could backfire because it would feel like an impossible task, especially because some of my research center colleagues are in fields where the average work habits are far far above mine. But this school might feel just as alienating as my old one. And with no compensating social life, I would feel even more alienated. On the other hand, having no friends could force me to make more work friends than I normally would, and maybe be encouraged to learn better work habits.
I've read a few chapters of this cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) book that I read several years ago, and have noticed myself arguing with my assumptions, realizing that it's not a black and white question. The new job is unlikely to be perfect, and I won't fully meet any of my goals, but I'll meet some of them partially, and get exposed to new topics. Feeling defeated would not be the end of the world, and even the terms which I count as failures were helpful to me. Giving up on my research for weeks or months at a time and concentrating on teaching was considered in the eyes of my advisor and graduate program to be a waste of time (which they told me), but it made me a devoted teacher, and my teaching statement and skills are now good enough that I came in second for a tenure-track job at an elite small college, losing only to someone from a less-well-located small college who already had tenure. That's something none of my classmates could have done. I could have balanced my work better, but maybe it was important to concentrate on teaching when I was just learning how. During my last year of grad school, I couldn't teach, but I threw myself into job application preparation, with no thought to my research, except what I needed for job talks, but job preparation requires a lot of time and I had to learn a lot; I could have balanced my research better, but I did do some. So even the difficult years did have redeeming qualities. and it's not like I've ever been not lonely, no matter where I lived. Other than in college where I ate every lunch and dinner with friends.
The upshot is: I don't know. Sending the letter last thing on Friday is the same as last thing on Sunday night, so I'll mull it over a bit before then. Part of me says that it's not a big deal to move somewhere for a year. My parents live here, so I can only take the essentials, and mail some books media rate, as if I were just going off to college. The other part of me is thinking how stressful it is to not only try to start a whole new set of research with new colleagues, but then socially to need to be "on" in order to make new friends at work and away. Though if I make friends at work, hopefully that will encourage my work habits.
This job is not a bad thing. Really. I'll just keep reading that CBT book.
Friday, May 2, 2008
My decision: well, almost.
The main issue before me was whether to accept or turn down the postdoc at the good school. No one else needed to know yet, and right now I am just waiting until I hear from the faculty job who just interviewed their last candidate on Monday.
My decision was somewhat complicated by a few new postdoc possibilities coming up just now: a solid place where I interviewed and liked them, one in my current city with someone that I'd actually wanted to work with last year but that hadn't worked out, one in my former city, and one with the government where I had simply the best phone interview possible.
Despite these distractions, I had a bird in the hand, and it was getting restless. The other bird in the hand was a solid offer, but the research is nebulous: the one project which sounded good would let me do a study I proposed on someone's blog in January 2007, but never had the resources to do; they have taken so far about two weeks to get back to me, and people in the other projects there have been similarly difficult to contact.
My main concern was whether I could be happy in that city, so I spent a lot of time on the phone with people who live there. I found lots of people who hated it, but they had all chosen to live in the same claustrophobic suburb filled with strip malls. One former postdoc I spoke with said she'd moved into that suburb because she was coming from far away, and her sister found her a place in the same apartment complex. The interesting thing about the suburban people: they had never even thought about living anywhere else, even though they were unhappy in the suburbs.
Finally I found two people who lived in the city, and liked it. Finding them were complete coincidences. One guy was someone from a dating site who I emailed with ~4 years ago because a close friend noticed we went to the same public high school and for some reason decided that meant I should email him. I wrote to him while searching a dating site for his city, he wasn't a paying member, but found me somehow through facebook, and we arranged to speak about the city. Even though I'd never met him, I knew that we had similar baseline expectations for places and toleration for ambient crime.
He acknowledged that it was not the most exciting or urbane place in the world, but in his five years there he had made friends that he had kept. By contrast, in his current city he felt like people regarded friends as more expendable. He still goes back to that city to visit for weekends, several years after leaving. That was my gut feeling about it: everyone that I spoke with was really nice. Partly they were nice because it's not the most exciting place, but nice is nice: I won't look a gift horse in the mouth.
I also got in touch with this woman who I found similarly randomly. I posted to an internet site, and a guy wrote to me and put me in touch with this couple, who were long-time residents with related ties to the university. Somehow they just seemed like people I'd like to know. She told me about all these off-beat things that go on, the type of events which are fun and self-consciously wacky, and invited me to stay with them, and gave me other people's contact information.
Both sets of people also said it was safe, and they never knew anyone who was mugged. It's not going to be easy to meet people, but I am finally convinced that if I want to be happy, I can be happy there. If I want to be happy is a key phrase: sometimes it seems like I find reasons not to be happy. It's a funny psychological trick that options become less attractive once you have them. Maybe it's a self-image thing, and if I had better self-image they wouldn't lose attractiveness just because they were options.
A few more things convinced me:
- I have friends 1-2 hours away who I'd like to be near, and recently found out about more taking jobs nearby.
- My field there has a huge number of activities and seminars and lectures. It seems like the center of the world, especially compared to my current school with weekly seminars, if that. My interdisciplinary PhD program left me spread thin across two campuses a few miles apart, so I never really got to go to seminars and activities regularly in my major field since I lived closer to the campus of my minor field and spent my time and had teaching jobs there.
- The research is a natural follow-on from my dissertation. I'd been reluctant because the research center is narrowly focussed in a poorly-funded area which is not taken entirely seriously. (Illustration: at least two interviewers in related fields actually told me they didn't take me seriously before meeting me.) The advantage is that I'm already well-positioned in the field. It seems silly to redirect to something else when there are senior faculty around the country who know my one published paper, and everyone agrees it's in a good journal.
- I started to be able to picture my life there. I have only vague memories for what is where, but I could live near the "hip areas" a mile from campus (which is itself in a terrible neighborhood) and bicycle to work.
Still, I have written my email accepting the postdoc and it's sitting in my drafts folder. I think this comment from the psych postdoc really resonates with my situation: "Personally, I think it's drummed into us in grad school that professional should always outweigh personal, but we have to live our lives...I find that sometimes I pretend I'm unsure when it's a tough decision but deep down in my gut I know."
Part of my gut is really seduced by my alternatives, but these are not birds in the hand. The nebulous research place I wrote to on Wednesday, and they said they'd get back to me yesterday. I suppose I will sit on the acceptance email for the rest of the day and send it if I have not heard from the nebulous research place by the end of the day. I want to write to them to tell them this, but it feels weird to make an ultimatum.
My decision was somewhat complicated by a few new postdoc possibilities coming up just now: a solid place where I interviewed and liked them, one in my current city with someone that I'd actually wanted to work with last year but that hadn't worked out, one in my former city, and one with the government where I had simply the best phone interview possible.
Despite these distractions, I had a bird in the hand, and it was getting restless. The other bird in the hand was a solid offer, but the research is nebulous: the one project which sounded good would let me do a study I proposed on someone's blog in January 2007, but never had the resources to do; they have taken so far about two weeks to get back to me, and people in the other projects there have been similarly difficult to contact.
My main concern was whether I could be happy in that city, so I spent a lot of time on the phone with people who live there. I found lots of people who hated it, but they had all chosen to live in the same claustrophobic suburb filled with strip malls. One former postdoc I spoke with said she'd moved into that suburb because she was coming from far away, and her sister found her a place in the same apartment complex. The interesting thing about the suburban people: they had never even thought about living anywhere else, even though they were unhappy in the suburbs.
Finally I found two people who lived in the city, and liked it. Finding them were complete coincidences. One guy was someone from a dating site who I emailed with ~4 years ago because a close friend noticed we went to the same public high school and for some reason decided that meant I should email him. I wrote to him while searching a dating site for his city, he wasn't a paying member, but found me somehow through facebook, and we arranged to speak about the city. Even though I'd never met him, I knew that we had similar baseline expectations for places and toleration for ambient crime.
He acknowledged that it was not the most exciting or urbane place in the world, but in his five years there he had made friends that he had kept. By contrast, in his current city he felt like people regarded friends as more expendable. He still goes back to that city to visit for weekends, several years after leaving. That was my gut feeling about it: everyone that I spoke with was really nice. Partly they were nice because it's not the most exciting place, but nice is nice: I won't look a gift horse in the mouth.
I also got in touch with this woman who I found similarly randomly. I posted to an internet site, and a guy wrote to me and put me in touch with this couple, who were long-time residents with related ties to the university. Somehow they just seemed like people I'd like to know. She told me about all these off-beat things that go on, the type of events which are fun and self-consciously wacky, and invited me to stay with them, and gave me other people's contact information.
Both sets of people also said it was safe, and they never knew anyone who was mugged. It's not going to be easy to meet people, but I am finally convinced that if I want to be happy, I can be happy there. If I want to be happy is a key phrase: sometimes it seems like I find reasons not to be happy. It's a funny psychological trick that options become less attractive once you have them. Maybe it's a self-image thing, and if I had better self-image they wouldn't lose attractiveness just because they were options.
A few more things convinced me:
- I have friends 1-2 hours away who I'd like to be near, and recently found out about more taking jobs nearby.
- My field there has a huge number of activities and seminars and lectures. It seems like the center of the world, especially compared to my current school with weekly seminars, if that. My interdisciplinary PhD program left me spread thin across two campuses a few miles apart, so I never really got to go to seminars and activities regularly in my major field since I lived closer to the campus of my minor field and spent my time and had teaching jobs there.
- The research is a natural follow-on from my dissertation. I'd been reluctant because the research center is narrowly focussed in a poorly-funded area which is not taken entirely seriously. (Illustration: at least two interviewers in related fields actually told me they didn't take me seriously before meeting me.) The advantage is that I'm already well-positioned in the field. It seems silly to redirect to something else when there are senior faculty around the country who know my one published paper, and everyone agrees it's in a good journal.
- I started to be able to picture my life there. I have only vague memories for what is where, but I could live near the "hip areas" a mile from campus (which is itself in a terrible neighborhood) and bicycle to work.
Still, I have written my email accepting the postdoc and it's sitting in my drafts folder. I think this comment from the psych postdoc really resonates with my situation: "Personally, I think it's drummed into us in grad school that professional should always outweigh personal, but we have to live our lives...I find that sometimes I pretend I'm unsure when it's a tough decision but deep down in my gut I know."
Part of my gut is really seduced by my alternatives, but these are not birds in the hand. The nebulous research place I wrote to on Wednesday, and they said they'd get back to me yesterday. I suppose I will sit on the acceptance email for the rest of the day and send it if I have not heard from the nebulous research place by the end of the day. I want to write to them to tell them this, but it feels weird to make an ultimatum.
Yay, comments!
Thanks for all the comments. It's neat that one person said it was like she was reading her own diary. It's eerie how similar people's dilemmas are. The advance of the internet is that people who normally can feel isolated can realize there are others around with similar situations. Not that this is social interaction, by any means, but electronic empathy is not bad!
In the dietary aside, Segel Zutar was concerned about my drinking sugar water. I understand where that reaction is coming from, and that was my initial reaction as well --- I'm a brown rice type, fruits not fruit juice, etc. --- but based on the tentative evidence about unflavored sugar water, I tried it a few times and was surprised that it didn't feel unhealthy, so found it was a helpful tool when I want to eat, but can't for some reason. Possibly not great for blood sugar, but white bread has the same glycemic index as white sugar. Anyhow, that's a side note.
On the decision, see the next post. I made one!
In the dietary aside, Segel Zutar was concerned about my drinking sugar water. I understand where that reaction is coming from, and that was my initial reaction as well --- I'm a brown rice type, fruits not fruit juice, etc. --- but based on the tentative evidence about unflavored sugar water, I tried it a few times and was surprised that it didn't feel unhealthy, so found it was a helpful tool when I want to eat, but can't for some reason. Possibly not great for blood sugar, but white bread has the same glycemic index as white sugar. Anyhow, that's a side note.
On the decision, see the next post. I made one!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Making the decision, part 1
I should be making decisions now, but instead I'm waiting on tenterhooks. Here's the score:
I'm waiting for:
- Tenure-track offer, which will let me know in 2-3 weeks
- 3 more postdoc replies.
My current options:
1. Fantastic school in a terrible city needs a reply this week.
2. Unfriendly school in a great city needs a reply next week. Previously, this was an almost-offer.
I suppose that I might be able to keep my current position, if they don't hate me for having spent the entire year working on my dissertation and traveling for the job market. I owe them lots of work. (Hence the sugar water in my last post.)
Elaboration:
Fantastic school has been really accommodating and patient. I've held the offer for 6 weeks, partly because I'd been told at the faculty interview that they'd have a decision in 2-3 weeks (i.e., last week or this week), and now the decision is expected 2-3 weeks from now. Then, as I was about to accept at the deadline they gave me, the postdoc turned out only to be for one year and it was 2 weeks before they found time to speak with me to clarify. By the time that I spoke with them, they decided to offer me a second year if I needed, provided I met the predefined expectations. The training grant is only about 5 years old, and most of their past postdocs were coming from a different field where they can apparently get faculty jobs after a year of postdoc.
Advantages:
(1) They clearly want me.
(2) While they're very busy they do make time for me and have been accommodating.
(3) It's a great school with a lot going on, much better than my grad school (which was also good).
(4) They're by far the best mentoring opportunity. I'd be the only postdoc, and they clearly are invested in my academic future. I feel like I've missed out on mentoring during grad school. Although they're busy, perhaps I can piece together different people's time.
(5) There are enough people around that I can get to know many of them. They're the leaders in the field, I could have a good shot at connecting with them.
(6) It's my only way to continue with the research I'd done as a grad student which is interesting even to non-specialists.
(7) People seem friendly, in general. Somehow I have the feeling that I could make friendly more easily there than at other universities, and in other cities.
Disadvantages:
(1) When the faculty are around they are terrific, but they are more busy and difficult to locate than anywhere else I've been.
(2) Obviously not everyone is friendly. I had a great email exchange with one faculty member, but when we actually spoke on the phone yesterday, he seemed to be making fun of my ideas.
(3) The late-breaking details make me wary, especially given (1), and more are bound to emerge because I never had an interview, I was never introduced to the people at the research center, and the postdoc doesn't even have a website with details nor was the offer letter terribly specific.
(4) The faculty come from different field, so their professional advice, expectations, and standards may not be relevant, plus combined with (1) they may not even communicate very well so misunderstandings can persist.
(5) It's a simultaneously boring and dangerous city, and I know no one there.
(6) The subject of the postdoc is narrower than most, meaning I may be a good candidate for fewer jobs than if I took a different postdoc with a broader subject.
Personal factors
(1) Frankly, I'm scared. To go to a job which is clearly good raises expectations that I'm not sure I can meet. That sounds silly, but that's how I feel.
(2) I've never been good at maintaining mentoring relationships with mentors whom I never see. I've been put in that situation many times, and always done poorly in it.
(3) I was surprised at how unhappy I was about moving this past year. Here I was moving back to the city where I grew up, I knew the parts of the city near the suburb where I grew up, and I had a vague mental picture for the rest, I had a roommate whom I knew, I had the beginnings of friendships with people that I'd met here and there, I was excited to read the alternative newspaper again and do all the fun things of the city, and yet for a lot of the time I was totally unhappy. Partly that was the stress of finishing my dissertation, but partly I don't feel very secure about moving as a 30+ single. It's never easy to move, but it's always easier when there are lots of people your age who are single and looking for friends. Being at an age when most people are married, and coming to a city where I know no one and don't feel safe sounds like a terrible idea. The way you find your way around a new city is by getting lost. If I don't feel safe, it's not even okay to get lost.
(4) Postdocs are always isolated, and moving to a city where you don't have any friends to be in an isolated job is my idea of hell. On the other hand, people in the city seem friendly. Aside from my one bad encounter people have been willing to talk to me about the city.
(5) It's about an hour (in optimal traffic) from a city where I do have friends. I could even, theoretically, live in the other city and commute and just stay with someone M-W nights.
I can build a strong case for and against the job. That's maybe my problem in general. I can always build a strong case in any direction without having a clear idea which one I want, and it really just comes down to the issues that I already knew: professional vs. personal. I feel like professional factors should trump personal ones, but clearly I'm someone for whom the personal matters a great deal, and can interfere with my productivity if I don't take care of the personal details.
Honestly, after all this traveling, I still don't want to move anywhere. It's too much. I've just started to get used to being back here, and I don't relish the idea of moving anywhere.
An advisor who I respect enormously said the following to me. "it sounds to me like you're not passionate about it. Given this and your preference for [the other city] and your other options, it sounds like you're not leaning towards [Fantastic U]. So, my guess is that you should not feel bad about letting them know that you're truly honored by their offer and that it stands out as the best mentoring and nurtuing opportunity that you have so it's difficult to turn it down. However, for personal reasons you have realized that you would prefer to live in other city A or other city B, and you hope that they will find someone terrific to join their team and that you can stay connected in whatever way makes sense to the people there. Please recognize that I am going from imperfect information here so this may be terrible advice and you should take it or leave it as you see fit, but this is how it sounds from the e-mail....."
I think they're right. I'm so used to optimizing professionally, it's strange to me to realize that I don't have to do that if I don't want to, and I can just build my life in the way that I'm happiest.
Unfortunately, I'm terrible at predicting what will make me happy.
I'm waiting for:
- Tenure-track offer, which will let me know in 2-3 weeks
- 3 more postdoc replies.
My current options:
1. Fantastic school in a terrible city needs a reply this week.
2. Unfriendly school in a great city needs a reply next week. Previously, this was an almost-offer.
I suppose that I might be able to keep my current position, if they don't hate me for having spent the entire year working on my dissertation and traveling for the job market. I owe them lots of work. (Hence the sugar water in my last post.)
Elaboration:
Fantastic school has been really accommodating and patient. I've held the offer for 6 weeks, partly because I'd been told at the faculty interview that they'd have a decision in 2-3 weeks (i.e., last week or this week), and now the decision is expected 2-3 weeks from now. Then, as I was about to accept at the deadline they gave me, the postdoc turned out only to be for one year and it was 2 weeks before they found time to speak with me to clarify. By the time that I spoke with them, they decided to offer me a second year if I needed, provided I met the predefined expectations. The training grant is only about 5 years old, and most of their past postdocs were coming from a different field where they can apparently get faculty jobs after a year of postdoc.
Advantages:
(1) They clearly want me.
(2) While they're very busy they do make time for me and have been accommodating.
(3) It's a great school with a lot going on, much better than my grad school (which was also good).
(4) They're by far the best mentoring opportunity. I'd be the only postdoc, and they clearly are invested in my academic future. I feel like I've missed out on mentoring during grad school. Although they're busy, perhaps I can piece together different people's time.
(5) There are enough people around that I can get to know many of them. They're the leaders in the field, I could have a good shot at connecting with them.
(6) It's my only way to continue with the research I'd done as a grad student which is interesting even to non-specialists.
(7) People seem friendly, in general. Somehow I have the feeling that I could make friendly more easily there than at other universities, and in other cities.
Disadvantages:
(1) When the faculty are around they are terrific, but they are more busy and difficult to locate than anywhere else I've been.
(2) Obviously not everyone is friendly. I had a great email exchange with one faculty member, but when we actually spoke on the phone yesterday, he seemed to be making fun of my ideas.
(3) The late-breaking details make me wary, especially given (1), and more are bound to emerge because I never had an interview, I was never introduced to the people at the research center, and the postdoc doesn't even have a website with details nor was the offer letter terribly specific.
(4) The faculty come from different field, so their professional advice, expectations, and standards may not be relevant, plus combined with (1) they may not even communicate very well so misunderstandings can persist.
(5) It's a simultaneously boring and dangerous city, and I know no one there.
(6) The subject of the postdoc is narrower than most, meaning I may be a good candidate for fewer jobs than if I took a different postdoc with a broader subject.
Personal factors
(1) Frankly, I'm scared. To go to a job which is clearly good raises expectations that I'm not sure I can meet. That sounds silly, but that's how I feel.
(2) I've never been good at maintaining mentoring relationships with mentors whom I never see. I've been put in that situation many times, and always done poorly in it.
(3) I was surprised at how unhappy I was about moving this past year. Here I was moving back to the city where I grew up, I knew the parts of the city near the suburb where I grew up, and I had a vague mental picture for the rest, I had a roommate whom I knew, I had the beginnings of friendships with people that I'd met here and there, I was excited to read the alternative newspaper again and do all the fun things of the city, and yet for a lot of the time I was totally unhappy. Partly that was the stress of finishing my dissertation, but partly I don't feel very secure about moving as a 30+ single. It's never easy to move, but it's always easier when there are lots of people your age who are single and looking for friends. Being at an age when most people are married, and coming to a city where I know no one and don't feel safe sounds like a terrible idea. The way you find your way around a new city is by getting lost. If I don't feel safe, it's not even okay to get lost.
(4) Postdocs are always isolated, and moving to a city where you don't have any friends to be in an isolated job is my idea of hell. On the other hand, people in the city seem friendly. Aside from my one bad encounter people have been willing to talk to me about the city.
(5) It's about an hour (in optimal traffic) from a city where I do have friends. I could even, theoretically, live in the other city and commute and just stay with someone M-W nights.
I can build a strong case for and against the job. That's maybe my problem in general. I can always build a strong case in any direction without having a clear idea which one I want, and it really just comes down to the issues that I already knew: professional vs. personal. I feel like professional factors should trump personal ones, but clearly I'm someone for whom the personal matters a great deal, and can interfere with my productivity if I don't take care of the personal details.
Honestly, after all this traveling, I still don't want to move anywhere. It's too much. I've just started to get used to being back here, and I don't relish the idea of moving anywhere.
An advisor who I respect enormously said the following to me. "it sounds to me like you're not passionate about it. Given this and your preference for [the other city] and your other options, it sounds like you're not leaning towards [Fantastic U]. So, my guess is that you should not feel bad about letting them know that you're truly honored by their offer and that it stands out as the best mentoring and nurtuing opportunity that you have so it's difficult to turn it down. However, for personal reasons you have realized that you would prefer to live in other city A or other city B, and you hope that they will find someone terrific to join their team and that you can stay connected in whatever way makes sense to the people there. Please recognize that I am going from imperfect information here so this may be terrible advice and you should take it or leave it as you see fit, but this is how it sounds from the e-mail....."
I think they're right. I'm so used to optimizing professionally, it's strange to me to realize that I don't have to do that if I don't want to, and I can just build my life in the way that I'm happiest.
Unfortunately, I'm terrible at predicting what will make me happy.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Working late, unanticipatedly
When I end up working late without having anticipated that I was going to, I know that if I leave the building to look for food I will not come back and don't feel too safe walking around after 9 or 10 pm in a deserted neighborhood, so I end up climbing the walls and deciding that 3 packets of sugar-free Swiss Miss are a good dinner. (All that milk powder!) It never works.
Last night I made use of the only "food" available in my office: I had not eaten anything with flavor for awhile, so I poured some sugar into a cup, dissolved it in hot water and drank it, and the flavorless calories killed my appetite, as predicted. And the sugar rush didn't hurt either. I find it eerie not to have an appetite, but here I found it very helpful when I didn't have an alternative. Sugar is everywhere, and generally not a great force in diet, but it can sometimes be useful.
Last night I made use of the only "food" available in my office: I had not eaten anything with flavor for awhile, so I poured some sugar into a cup, dissolved it in hot water and drank it, and the flavorless calories killed my appetite, as predicted. And the sugar rush didn't hurt either. I find it eerie not to have an appetite, but here I found it very helpful when I didn't have an alternative. Sugar is everywhere, and generally not a great force in diet, but it can sometimes be useful.
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