My final dissertation paper got accepted for publication. All the papers are well-placed, and this one is in a journal with highest impact factor of all. The average impact factor of the journals where my dissertation papers published is. . . well, extremely high. I mean, not Science/Nature high, not even close (though arguably one should be looking at the log of impact factors rather than impact factors themselves because the high ones are so high), but probably higher than many of the dissertations to come out of my program. And they are all single-authored papers, and all in journals where that's very unusual.
So I am really happy about this. Especially since this last paper actually has the chance of making a difference in the field, though also of pissing people off. And that is actually why I delayed submitting it. That and the fact that my committee never seemed to like that paper very much, and it didn't come off super well as a job talk during my first year on the job market.
But the journal took it, and that's all that matters!
Success is scary. It raises the bar of what I feel like I need to accomplish now. Rationally, that thought doesn't make any sense. An accomplishment can never be a bad thing. Not every piece of work is fantastic, and you certainly can't start any project expecting it to be fantastic.
Nonetheless, every project I'm working on so far is at the very beginning stages, and I am not yet feeling absorbed in anything which I find scary and distracting.
And it's hard to feel absorbed because as I am starting projects I wonder if the ideas I'm having are as fresh and original as my dissertation papers. But that's not productive. It's not like I set off on my dissertation looking for something creative. I was just trying stuff, almost on a whim, and things came together. Some projects will come together to be fresh and get well-published. Others are like book-keeping, and they add to what we have but in the same way as others' work does.
All the work habit books talk about turning off your inner editor in order to get started. These books are talking about writing, but the same idea applies to research. Try a little idea, and then see where it goes. As the title of one of my favorite writing books says, "No plot, no problem!" That's for writing novels, but the same idea applies. And it's fun to read about recklessly writing a high volume crap in order to be able to pull a novel out of the mess. Maybe I should get it from the library again and reread.
And the height of non-rational thoughts: I see all the bad economic news and I imagine not doing any work and not getting renewed and continuing on my lack of work streak in any job that I take and . . . well, that's already ridiculous.
If I have a solid hour of work on one project, that's a start, and a solid day, that's great, and a solid week, I will really feel absorbed. Attainable goals; one foot in front of the other until I get to other side. That's how you cross a wire across the Twin Towers (as I heard the guy talking on NPR on Friday), and it's how you do anything.
So much easier said than done. It's totally self-aggrandizing to say that my pretty high impact factors put me anywhere like crossing the Twin Towers on a wire, but even if they do: walking doesn't change, no matter where you are. Attainable goals. Attainable goals. Attainable goals.
Showing posts with label dissertation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissertation. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Ironic success
My first first-author paper was published in the top journal in my field. I submitted my second paper to this same journal, and one of the anonymous reviewers quoted my first paper at me, and said that I should consider this paper's results more strongly.
At least someone read my work, even if they use it against me. And flat-out reject my paper, incidentally.
Now to revise and ask for reviews from a raft of experts before submitting elsewhere.
At least someone read my work, even if they use it against me. And flat-out reject my paper, incidentally.
Now to revise and ask for reviews from a raft of experts before submitting elsewhere.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Thank you notes and gifts
My proposal defense was at this time a couple of years ago. I had just been visiting my family, and so bought small boxes of local-specialty chocolate at an after-Christmas sale: definitely not lavish, maybe $10-15 each. After the defense (which I passed conditionally), I gave them out to my committee members, who were visibly uncomfortable accepting them. One or two of them even said something about how they weren't sure they should accept them.
On the Chronicle boards, it seems like it's standard to give thank you gifts to one's committee, so I didn't know why they were uncomfortable accepting the gifts.
This time, to thank them and everyone else who helped me during graduate school, I am writing just plain thank you notes written on some cream Crane's cards. It seems like an awfully weak gesture, but for whatever reason they had been uncomfortable with gifts before, and I don't want to make the same mistake.
Did you give thank you gifts to your committee?
On the Chronicle boards, it seems like it's standard to give thank you gifts to one's committee, so I didn't know why they were uncomfortable accepting the gifts.
This time, to thank them and everyone else who helped me during graduate school, I am writing just plain thank you notes written on some cream Crane's cards. It seems like an awfully weak gesture, but for whatever reason they had been uncomfortable with gifts before, and I don't want to make the same mistake.
Did you give thank you gifts to your committee?
Friday, December 7, 2007
The best defense: a good offense?
I defended my dissertation last month, so am now officially Dr. New Postdoc.
I've heard many stories of dissertation defenses involving renegade faculty members taking out their frustrations on their rival's student. My department doesn't have any such rivalries that I'm aware of, but having had challenging encounters with faculty members at my past research seminars, I was slightly nervous and at the same time relishing the prospect of such an encounter. We have smart people, but I've never had the sense that anyone thinks they're smarter than I am, so the challenging exchanges can be pretty fun.
The few weeks before my defense, I was preparing to travel and then traveling, so didn't get the chance to forward the email invitation to ask people personally if they would come to my defense, in either the literal or figurative sense. I'd just forwarded it to a few friends because the announcement looked so official, even just by email. The department distributes the announcement to everyone attached to the department, including people I'd considered mentors. The day before my defense, my older and wiser friend asked me who I'd invited. Uh oh! I didn't realize I was supposed to invite anyone. I figured those who would consider themselves connected to me would see it, and decide to come. Realistically, on a Friday afternoon in the peak busy season of the semester, I knew it was unlikely many people would come, but somehow I thought someone might.
Instead, not even all my committee members came and one left 45 minutes early. My defense was me and all but one of my committee members and a phone in the middle of the table through which the disembodied voice of the famous committee member spoke. I was asked to limit my talk to 20-30 minutes, and was told 10 minutes before the defense that one of the committee members would have to leave 45 minutes early, so my defense would in total be 1 1/4 hours instead of the 2 hours planned. Compared with every other committee meeting I've had, it was a total cakewalk. They suggested one new small change, deliberated for five minutes, and then everyone left with friendly wishes of good luck. My advisor's farewell was, "I will keep my eye out for your papers; I look forward to seeing them."
After six years, it was suddenly all over. Everyone left the room, and I was left alone with my career, 45 minutes earlier than planned.
I've heard many stories of dissertation defenses involving renegade faculty members taking out their frustrations on their rival's student. My department doesn't have any such rivalries that I'm aware of, but having had challenging encounters with faculty members at my past research seminars, I was slightly nervous and at the same time relishing the prospect of such an encounter. We have smart people, but I've never had the sense that anyone thinks they're smarter than I am, so the challenging exchanges can be pretty fun.
The few weeks before my defense, I was preparing to travel and then traveling, so didn't get the chance to forward the email invitation to ask people personally if they would come to my defense, in either the literal or figurative sense. I'd just forwarded it to a few friends because the announcement looked so official, even just by email. The department distributes the announcement to everyone attached to the department, including people I'd considered mentors. The day before my defense, my older and wiser friend asked me who I'd invited. Uh oh! I didn't realize I was supposed to invite anyone. I figured those who would consider themselves connected to me would see it, and decide to come. Realistically, on a Friday afternoon in the peak busy season of the semester, I knew it was unlikely many people would come, but somehow I thought someone might.
Instead, not even all my committee members came and one left 45 minutes early. My defense was me and all but one of my committee members and a phone in the middle of the table through which the disembodied voice of the famous committee member spoke. I was asked to limit my talk to 20-30 minutes, and was told 10 minutes before the defense that one of the committee members would have to leave 45 minutes early, so my defense would in total be 1 1/4 hours instead of the 2 hours planned. Compared with every other committee meeting I've had, it was a total cakewalk. They suggested one new small change, deliberated for five minutes, and then everyone left with friendly wishes of good luck. My advisor's farewell was, "I will keep my eye out for your papers; I look forward to seeing them."
After six years, it was suddenly all over. Everyone left the room, and I was left alone with my career, 45 minutes earlier than planned.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Should I stay or should I go?
I want to decide whether to stick with my current postdoc for the entire year, or to go to a postdoc abroad --- see previous post for details.
Lists are reductionist, but let's see what I can do.
The 3 major things I need to do this year, professionally.
1. Revise dissertation and defend. Under control at this point.
2. Finish and submit 3-5 papers, including ones from dissertation. (b) Start new projects to solidify research agenda.
3. Job search.
The real question is which position will leave me in the best position to accomplish these three things, and the subgoals necessary to accomplish them (e.g., improving my work habits.) Since the first is under control, the major questions are about 2 and 3. If I had to choose only one of the two to do, the research pipeline is clearly most important: if I have research flowing, finding a job will be easier and maybe even more efficient (apply to fewer jobs that I'm better qualified for).
The postdoc abroad is far better than my current postdoc at helping me with my research agenda. I can renew the postdoc abroad to be a total of 2 years if I need to. And I can suck up the extra travel costs associated with the job search. As long as I keep my spirits up and my goals in perspective, I can make it work. My current postdoc is not an area that I have substantial future research interests in, I feel like they're using me, and I have not risen even to the level of liking the work in the time that I've been working there. The postdoc abroad has a research agenda that we planned, and gives me time on my own to do my own work.
Wow, that was an easier decision than I expected. At least, the binary decision looking only at professional goals. There could still exist a research job which dominates the postdoc abroad by being in this country (easier for job search) and gives me time on my own to work, but I'm not likely to find one.
Personally, of course I want to date people where there's a future, and living abroad makes that harder, perhaps. That's really an unknown.
Lists are reductionist, but let's see what I can do.
The 3 major things I need to do this year, professionally.
1. Revise dissertation and defend. Under control at this point.
2. Finish and submit 3-5 papers, including ones from dissertation. (b) Start new projects to solidify research agenda.
3. Job search.
The real question is which position will leave me in the best position to accomplish these three things, and the subgoals necessary to accomplish them (e.g., improving my work habits.) Since the first is under control, the major questions are about 2 and 3. If I had to choose only one of the two to do, the research pipeline is clearly most important: if I have research flowing, finding a job will be easier and maybe even more efficient (apply to fewer jobs that I'm better qualified for).
The postdoc abroad is far better than my current postdoc at helping me with my research agenda. I can renew the postdoc abroad to be a total of 2 years if I need to. And I can suck up the extra travel costs associated with the job search. As long as I keep my spirits up and my goals in perspective, I can make it work. My current postdoc is not an area that I have substantial future research interests in, I feel like they're using me, and I have not risen even to the level of liking the work in the time that I've been working there. The postdoc abroad has a research agenda that we planned, and gives me time on my own to do my own work.
Wow, that was an easier decision than I expected. At least, the binary decision looking only at professional goals. There could still exist a research job which dominates the postdoc abroad by being in this country (easier for job search) and gives me time on my own to work, but I'm not likely to find one.
Personally, of course I want to date people where there's a future, and living abroad makes that harder, perhaps. That's really an unknown.
Monday, October 1, 2007
The use for self-help books
At the beginning of last year, I bought a few books on work habits and procrastination and read them, and found them helpful, but didn't pick them up after that. The other day, I was despairing, so I picked up a 1983 book _Procrastination: why you do it and what to do about it_ and was amazed again at how its cycle of procrastination captures my private despair. I felt the same way when I went to a lecture on the "Impostor" phenomenon: 200+ people who looked bright and hard-working in the lecture hall also felt like impostors along with me. It's an amazing feeling.
The surmising about exactly why people procrastinate and what they should do about it, I could take or leave, but knowing that I'm not alone in going through these cycles of despair gives me hope that I don't have to procrastinate. Just the few pages where someone wrote in 1983 about my most private shameful experiences are the worth of the book to me.
I didn't procrastinate until I started college, and I got worse because I hung out with people who procrastinated, some of whom were proud to call themselves slackers. It's my fault for picking up bad habits, I don't mean to minimize that. It's helpful to realize that nothing happens in isolation, and if I'd hung out with premeds, I might not have increased procrastination more.
As I finish my dissertation in the same rush of procrastination that I picked up in college, I hope that I will have more discipline and consistency in the next stage of my life. One of the books on procrastination contends that people who procrastinate are addicted to the adrenaline of finishing something at the last moment. And there's something to that. But it's even nicer to come to a paper and find it already partially written. And I feel much more proud of myself to push through a block instead of despairing and deciding that I may solve the problem while checking email.
I just went through a big push to do a ton of work that I could have done literally a year ago. And I had allocated a lot of time for it. And I had lots of papers that I had gathered. When it came down to it, though, I found myself in my apartment still with no weekend access to my office, and all my papers locked in my office, and I pushed through and resolved obstacles and no obstacle took all that long to get past. The longest that I got stuck when I was insisting on plowing through snarls instead of giving up was maybe a total of 6-8 hours of work. And the 6-8 hours were somewhat frustrating, but eventually I found my way through, and finished. I don't feel a rush of adrenaline, and I don't feel particularly proud for having done so much at the last minute. I do, for the first time in months, feel competent.
I will feel even more self-efficacy to do a little every day, and assume that every day will include at least one snarl. I think at the beginning of last year I tried a little every day, and I really set my sights low, so that if I hit a hard point, I would say that's enough for the day, and give up. And then I'd be afraid to go back to the snarl that awaited me. Of course there is an absolutely glaring flaw right in the center of my chapter: it was a flaw that was pointed out in the middle of my dissertation proposal defense. My advisors had gone over this chapter with me a few times in the past several months, and they waited until the defense to tell me that the entire chapter was invalid because of the logical flaw. And they do have a point. But there's no way to resolve it cleanly, and the show must go on, so I pick up after it as best I can. But the shock and betrayal that I felt to have this flaw raised at my defense instead of an earlier time was enough to keep me from working too hard on this project. I just danced around the edges: literature here and there, but no substantiative work. Until the 0th hour, quite literally.
There's much more work to be done, but I finally have a real draft of the chapter after reworking the entire thing. All that remains to be done are small things here and there that I really can make a detailed list for, rather than one of those general lists like "Finish paper."
Most importantly, though, I feel competent.
The surmising about exactly why people procrastinate and what they should do about it, I could take or leave, but knowing that I'm not alone in going through these cycles of despair gives me hope that I don't have to procrastinate. Just the few pages where someone wrote in 1983 about my most private shameful experiences are the worth of the book to me.
I didn't procrastinate until I started college, and I got worse because I hung out with people who procrastinated, some of whom were proud to call themselves slackers. It's my fault for picking up bad habits, I don't mean to minimize that. It's helpful to realize that nothing happens in isolation, and if I'd hung out with premeds, I might not have increased procrastination more.
As I finish my dissertation in the same rush of procrastination that I picked up in college, I hope that I will have more discipline and consistency in the next stage of my life. One of the books on procrastination contends that people who procrastinate are addicted to the adrenaline of finishing something at the last moment. And there's something to that. But it's even nicer to come to a paper and find it already partially written. And I feel much more proud of myself to push through a block instead of despairing and deciding that I may solve the problem while checking email.
I just went through a big push to do a ton of work that I could have done literally a year ago. And I had allocated a lot of time for it. And I had lots of papers that I had gathered. When it came down to it, though, I found myself in my apartment still with no weekend access to my office, and all my papers locked in my office, and I pushed through and resolved obstacles and no obstacle took all that long to get past. The longest that I got stuck when I was insisting on plowing through snarls instead of giving up was maybe a total of 6-8 hours of work. And the 6-8 hours were somewhat frustrating, but eventually I found my way through, and finished. I don't feel a rush of adrenaline, and I don't feel particularly proud for having done so much at the last minute. I do, for the first time in months, feel competent.
I will feel even more self-efficacy to do a little every day, and assume that every day will include at least one snarl. I think at the beginning of last year I tried a little every day, and I really set my sights low, so that if I hit a hard point, I would say that's enough for the day, and give up. And then I'd be afraid to go back to the snarl that awaited me. Of course there is an absolutely glaring flaw right in the center of my chapter: it was a flaw that was pointed out in the middle of my dissertation proposal defense. My advisors had gone over this chapter with me a few times in the past several months, and they waited until the defense to tell me that the entire chapter was invalid because of the logical flaw. And they do have a point. But there's no way to resolve it cleanly, and the show must go on, so I pick up after it as best I can. But the shock and betrayal that I felt to have this flaw raised at my defense instead of an earlier time was enough to keep me from working too hard on this project. I just danced around the edges: literature here and there, but no substantiative work. Until the 0th hour, quite literally.
There's much more work to be done, but I finally have a real draft of the chapter after reworking the entire thing. All that remains to be done are small things here and there that I really can make a detailed list for, rather than one of those general lists like "Finish paper."
Most importantly, though, I feel competent.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
The job market cycle
Last year, I had a great plan for finishing my dissertation. I was going to finish my dissertation. And then start a job search. And if I started the job search too late, I could stay on another year as an RA or just publish everything that I need to publish before I move on with my life. And I thought that I wanted to work in one of two semi-academic institutions anyhow, and both seemed reasonably interested in me.
But somehow we started having job market preparation talks with our program, and career services had job market preparation sessions for everyone, and I spoke with a professor after his talk and he asked if I was on the market so I devoted a week to preparing materials which I ordinarily wouldn't have done. CV, cover letter, teaching statement, dissertation abstract, research statement, writing sample!
So last year I started relatively late, which is to say, I didn't start in July when the first of the job announcements go out. This year, when July rolled around and I got the first of the announcements that I planned to apply to, I'd recently resolved my own job situation, so was only off the market for less than 3 months. I applied to this postdoc in mid-September, and just a few days after submitting my application got an interview.
Wow, what a relief to have something go right now.
But somehow we started having job market preparation talks with our program, and career services had job market preparation sessions for everyone, and I spoke with a professor after his talk and he asked if I was on the market so I devoted a week to preparing materials which I ordinarily wouldn't have done. CV, cover letter, teaching statement, dissertation abstract, research statement, writing sample!
So last year I started relatively late, which is to say, I didn't start in July when the first of the job announcements go out. This year, when July rolled around and I got the first of the announcements that I planned to apply to, I'd recently resolved my own job situation, so was only off the market for less than 3 months. I applied to this postdoc in mid-September, and just a few days after submitting my application got an interview.
Wow, what a relief to have something go right now.
Dissertation anxiety
I told myself that I would allow myself to blog for five minutes about how guilty and anxious I feel about starting back with a paper. I have a paper which I have done virtually no work on since February 2005. I see these dates and cringe, and realize that the current version may be better-written and have slightly more background information, but I have done no actual research on this paper for 2 1/2 years. I think about all the time that I wasted over the past two and a half years, and contemplate that this is more than half of a college career, and that in fact the literature review now needs more articles because I had such a delay. I think about all the papers that I will have to write after I finish this paper, even just to finish my dissertation. Once the dissertation is done, I have to submit it (in two separate papers) for publication, and then I have to start in on two projects that I owe to two different research groups (one obligation is 1 year old, but they keep writing to me to ask how I'm doing; the other obligation is probably about 3 years old, but I don't actually know.)
Meanwhile I am accruing more research debt by having accepted this postdoc which requires me to work on this project. I have done work on the project before arrival here, but haven't done any work since. I had the option of a postdoc which would have required nothing of me in the same place. It had some practical disadvantages, and (dating again) they wanted me suspiciously too much, but if I had that postdoc I would be making more money and would have no responsibilities other than to finish my own work and go to occasional seminars. I pass the building of that other postdoc every day and sigh.
My credit score is stellar. My research debt is in the crapper, and realistically I think that I really am in deep trouble to have accepted more research obligations because I can't see that I will fulfill all of my obligations in the time-frame that I have for my postdoc research. That is, at some point I will need to put a lot of work into the postdoc research, and I will then be in danger of not finishing my dissertation, or at least my owed articles. I am gradually gradually climbing out of the hole, but it is painful. I avoided this paper for the five semesters and three summers, partly because at my proposal defense, my committee, which had a full year to critique this paper, came up with all kinds of new and impossible objections and made me defend myself on the spot. And partly because of the usual syndrome of seeking instant and social gratification in teaching rather than the hard and solitary work of research.
As I get back to the paper, ideas which were once clear in my head (I think) are now cloudy, and I wonder if I will ever be capable of high level research again, or will I be one of those professors who produces mediocre low-level research for the rest of their career. It is also embarrassing that I can't find all the files on my computer which are associated with this paper, and it will take much longer to reassemble everything than to do it in the first place. I also missed the chance to submit it to something really top-notch, which I could have done if I had written the paper within a year, rather than within 3 years.
The clear answer to all of this anxiety is that I'm looking way too far ahead. The answer is that this afternoon, I have one definite task to do. I will do that task, and then I will have one fewer task to continue. It's an enjoyable task, once I find all the files. But as I look for the files, the thoughts come to my head that I can't believe that I misplaced all these files.
I'll leave you with an anecdote. A guy writes to a reknowned rabbi in a distant village saying that he keeps having intrusive thoughts, and he is coming to visit on such and such a day. It's pouring and the journey is hard, and finally he comes to the rabbi's house. "Rabbi, I'm here," he shouts, knocking on the door. No one answers. He goes around back, and there is only one entrance to the small house. He shouts and knocks for a full hour before giving up and slumping defeatedly against the door in his fatigue and sleeping in a puddle on the doorstep. In the morning, the rabbi opens the door and discovers his visitor. The guy says, "Rabbi, where were you? I arrived last night and knocked and knocked for a full hour. Why didn't you answer the door? I was sleeping on the doorstep, so I know that you must have been home when I was knocking."
The rabbi says, "I can decide who I allow into my house, can I not? Now, about these intrusive thoughts you are having. . . "
Meanwhile I am accruing more research debt by having accepted this postdoc which requires me to work on this project. I have done work on the project before arrival here, but haven't done any work since. I had the option of a postdoc which would have required nothing of me in the same place. It had some practical disadvantages, and (dating again) they wanted me suspiciously too much, but if I had that postdoc I would be making more money and would have no responsibilities other than to finish my own work and go to occasional seminars. I pass the building of that other postdoc every day and sigh.
My credit score is stellar. My research debt is in the crapper, and realistically I think that I really am in deep trouble to have accepted more research obligations because I can't see that I will fulfill all of my obligations in the time-frame that I have for my postdoc research. That is, at some point I will need to put a lot of work into the postdoc research, and I will then be in danger of not finishing my dissertation, or at least my owed articles. I am gradually gradually climbing out of the hole, but it is painful. I avoided this paper for the five semesters and three summers, partly because at my proposal defense, my committee, which had a full year to critique this paper, came up with all kinds of new and impossible objections and made me defend myself on the spot. And partly because of the usual syndrome of seeking instant and social gratification in teaching rather than the hard and solitary work of research.
As I get back to the paper, ideas which were once clear in my head (I think) are now cloudy, and I wonder if I will ever be capable of high level research again, or will I be one of those professors who produces mediocre low-level research for the rest of their career. It is also embarrassing that I can't find all the files on my computer which are associated with this paper, and it will take much longer to reassemble everything than to do it in the first place. I also missed the chance to submit it to something really top-notch, which I could have done if I had written the paper within a year, rather than within 3 years.
The clear answer to all of this anxiety is that I'm looking way too far ahead. The answer is that this afternoon, I have one definite task to do. I will do that task, and then I will have one fewer task to continue. It's an enjoyable task, once I find all the files. But as I look for the files, the thoughts come to my head that I can't believe that I misplaced all these files.
I'll leave you with an anecdote. A guy writes to a reknowned rabbi in a distant village saying that he keeps having intrusive thoughts, and he is coming to visit on such and such a day. It's pouring and the journey is hard, and finally he comes to the rabbi's house. "Rabbi, I'm here," he shouts, knocking on the door. No one answers. He goes around back, and there is only one entrance to the small house. He shouts and knocks for a full hour before giving up and slumping defeatedly against the door in his fatigue and sleeping in a puddle on the doorstep. In the morning, the rabbi opens the door and discovers his visitor. The guy says, "Rabbi, where were you? I arrived last night and knocked and knocked for a full hour. Why didn't you answer the door? I was sleeping on the doorstep, so I know that you must have been home when I was knocking."
The rabbi says, "I can decide who I allow into my house, can I not? Now, about these intrusive thoughts you are having. . . "
Monday, September 17, 2007
A mixed day: moving progress, no defense progress, asking out a gay man
1. One of the truisms of academic life is that it is difficult to move. As illustration, today I learned how to print from my computer (getting drivers for the printer which work with my own unsupported laptop because my computer hasn't come in yet) and how to use email, and the process took more than an hour. But now I can print.
2. The assistant of one of my committee members is fed up with giving me the committee member's schedule, and has largely stopped answering my emails. Which makes it even more difficult to schedule a defense from thousands of miles away.
3. I bought some of my furniture from a very cute guy who seemed smart and like he knew how to think with both halves of his brain. He lived in the middle of the distant suburbs with his brother, and mentioned that they were moving to different apartments --- his brother to the city and he just outside the city. Being new to a place gives me the right to take liberties, so afterwards I emailed him and said I'd love to have coffee with him. He wrote back, saying he'd be thrilled. I found his name online associated with having helped out a much younger gay artist in a place that he travels to on business, so it seemed most likely that he was gay, but I didn't have any other evidence on the subject. After some phone tag, I delayed calling him, partially nervous that he was straight, and partially nervous that he was gay.
In talking about moving, he would sometimes say "we" and sometimes "I", so finally I asked who he was going to live with. I expected an answer like "boyfriend", "girlfriend", or "roommate" and then the conversation would continue as normal.
Instead, he said, "Boyfriend. I hope that's not disappointing for you."
I was taken off-guard by the thought that I might be disappointed. "That's terrific," I managed.
He was silent. "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yes, I said that's terrific to be at that point in your relationship," I repeated.
He continued this awful conversation, "I mean, I would have thought you would have picked up some signals that my brother is moving in with his boyfriend, and I'm moving in with mine, but if you didn't you would be disappointed."
I'm totally in disbelief that this conversation is happening. I have some gaydar, and admittedly I didn't pick up immediately that either he or his brother were gay, but I am definitely missing the "I'm going to move in with my boyfriend"-dar. Given his level of social skills he's showing right now, I don't think he has it either.
"I don't know why I would be disappointed. I live in a neighborhood with lots of gay men," I say as if it wouldn't even occur to me that anyone would ask this guy out.
The conversation continues for several more exchanges like the above until I finally change the subject back to something not so embarrassing to me.
4. The thing which bothers me the most about this exchange is not that this guy was gay, but that he has a boyfriend. Seemingly everyone here is married or dating --- definitely a larger proportion than where I lived before. And every single person that I have ever dated is dating someone. I try not to think about that, but I keep being reminded of it.
2. The assistant of one of my committee members is fed up with giving me the committee member's schedule, and has largely stopped answering my emails. Which makes it even more difficult to schedule a defense from thousands of miles away.
3. I bought some of my furniture from a very cute guy who seemed smart and like he knew how to think with both halves of his brain. He lived in the middle of the distant suburbs with his brother, and mentioned that they were moving to different apartments --- his brother to the city and he just outside the city. Being new to a place gives me the right to take liberties, so afterwards I emailed him and said I'd love to have coffee with him. He wrote back, saying he'd be thrilled. I found his name online associated with having helped out a much younger gay artist in a place that he travels to on business, so it seemed most likely that he was gay, but I didn't have any other evidence on the subject. After some phone tag, I delayed calling him, partially nervous that he was straight, and partially nervous that he was gay.
In talking about moving, he would sometimes say "we" and sometimes "I", so finally I asked who he was going to live with. I expected an answer like "boyfriend", "girlfriend", or "roommate" and then the conversation would continue as normal.
Instead, he said, "Boyfriend. I hope that's not disappointing for you."
I was taken off-guard by the thought that I might be disappointed. "That's terrific," I managed.
He was silent. "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yes, I said that's terrific to be at that point in your relationship," I repeated.
He continued this awful conversation, "I mean, I would have thought you would have picked up some signals that my brother is moving in with his boyfriend, and I'm moving in with mine, but if you didn't you would be disappointed."
I'm totally in disbelief that this conversation is happening. I have some gaydar, and admittedly I didn't pick up immediately that either he or his brother were gay, but I am definitely missing the "I'm going to move in with my boyfriend"-dar. Given his level of social skills he's showing right now, I don't think he has it either.
"I don't know why I would be disappointed. I live in a neighborhood with lots of gay men," I say as if it wouldn't even occur to me that anyone would ask this guy out.
The conversation continues for several more exchanges like the above until I finally change the subject back to something not so embarrassing to me.
4. The thing which bothers me the most about this exchange is not that this guy was gay, but that he has a boyfriend. Seemingly everyone here is married or dating --- definitely a larger proportion than where I lived before. And every single person that I have ever dated is dating someone. I try not to think about that, but I keep being reminded of it.
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