People say stupid things to the people they like, as is well-documented in the literature.
This year, I've met few single guys in my current city who seems to be potential boyfriend material. One was particularly reflective, cute, thoughtful, sensitive, smart, we have mutual friends in totally different cities, and it felt like we've known each other a really long time.
We met once, at a dinner, and then last month while I was on a job visit, we got into a conversation on facebook, writing long emails on little sleep. At the group event where we'd met, he was really upbeat and sounded excited about his life. Over email, he sounded confused and dislocated, and just completely down, and emotionally it was complete TMI, given how little we knew each other. Which is sometimes a good sign of feeling comfortable, and other times a sign of desperation.
I empathized and said that I could definitely understand, and gave some emotional TMI of my own, which was at least half stupid of me. I remember trying to move the conversation to email, so went to look at his profile and was surprised his actual email address was not listed, but I was pretty sure the rest of a normal profile was there including a friend list. He ended the conversation suddenly and strangely, and I didn't think much about him, though I told the story to a few friends.
A month later, this Friday night, we ran into each other at a social event. He is tall and was backlit and he looks different from his facebook picture, which was what I was most accustomed to, and he tried to start a conversation about my research, and I was feeling dislocated not knowing who he was, so I asked him to remind me his name. We ran into each other while walking out at the end of the event, and I apologized and said he was backlit. He seemed patient about it, but then disappeared as soon as we got our coats. I sent a 2 line generic "good to see you again. hope you're well" email via facebook on Saturday night before leaving for a party.
This morning (Sunday), I was looking for the last name of a friend of his, and decided to look in his friends list. Looking at his profile for the first time in over a month, I discovered several parts of his profile were no longer visible to me, including his list of friends. Wow, does he think I'm uniquely a stalker, and if so, was that after a month ago, after Friday night, or after my 2 line email? Or is he completely paranoid and blocks all of his friends from seeing his other friends?
Clearly this relationship isn't going anywhere. Obviously given how down and confused he was, he's not the best catch anyhow. I just feel totally off balance to realize this person (who seems otherwise really great) has such a completely wrong idea about me.
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3 comments:
It's funny that I just had a similar experience yesterday : I met an acquaintance, which I always considered as potential relationship material (end quote :). We had only met a few times, always with other people around, and I thought she saw me as, well, a nice guy if nothing else. Yesterday we met and after this first private talk between us, she told me she now realized that I may be a nice guy. Meaning she saw me as a moron/pr*ck/unpleasant guy until then, on the basis on the few times we met before, though my behavior was completely neutral then (or so I thought).
So as you suggest, it's actually quite a strange experience when you realize people can judge each other from tiny details and limited interaction... and especially when the ones you care about misjudge you without any apparent reason...
The other side of it hits me when I think about all the interesting people I probably missed because I misjudged them in the very same way.
By the way, this blog really deals a lot with signaling...
That seems pretty positive, actually. People are so restrained in expressing positive feelings at the start of something to avoid becoming vulnerable. I wouldn't read anything into her comment unless you have other reasons to believe she didn't like you.
It is amazing how much of life involves signaling.
Of course it's positive, where your situation, though similar, was the opposite kind (bad surprise for you).
Indeed I have other reasons to know what she thought of me before (I don't like to overinterpret people myself, and that would be particularly stupid in a comment on this very subject...). As for the vulnerable interpretation, it mainly fits occidental behavior ; it can more common in other cultures (as hers).
Enough on that already. Back to this signaling thing, which is quite distressing actually. Signals are pretty much all we have to perceive each other, but we can never know if a given signal reveals a real tendancy or if it is merely contingent.
So to make choices, we usually tend to rely on signals, but by doing so we are quite prone to error, and besides it has an unpleasant taste of a cost/benefit view (I want an optimal product/partner/show and try to find clues about the different relevant criteria).
Personnally, as everyone does, I reason from signals a lot (most often without even knowing, probably). But I don't like it and try to avoid it more. So ok, there are still mistakes, but good surprises too. I don't know. Sometimes the rational, interpretative stance is depressing - ok when working but not so much elsewhere. That's why a while ago I suggested you to jump and take the postdoc abroad, based on a pure "why not, just try" non-argument. Wasn't an advice, but the endless comparison of assets and drawbacks would have had this effect on me.
Anyway. Once again I wrote things without any idea about the conclusion. I'll leave it there. Needless to add, you don't have to validate this comment...
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